(click) (clack) (click) (click) (clack)

Eh?

Oh! Hello! Welcome once again to my little corner of the world. If you look over here, I was just messing around with Warp 4.0's CONFIG.SYS file to see if I could change it into Warp Server 4.0. I don't seem to be having... very much success...

(kicks the tower a couple of times)

Well, anyway, once again here I am, just in the nick of time. This month I've prepared even more jokes, humor and things that generally will be definitively the last thing you need.

May I remind you that it's very important in these next couple of weeks to show your support of Warp 4.0 by doing two things:

(a) Buy it!
(b) Buy software!

Ok, that's the end of my crusade for morality. Get ready for the last thing you need.

I was out on the street
Usin' a pretty new face
When this hot workin' system
Came and took its place

It ain't got no anti-aliasing
It ain't got no wizards or anything
It's just a lean, mean, butt kickin' object machine!

Well, I was playin' round
With draggin' and droppin'
Then I saw the light
Up came walkin'... 4 point oh...
Oh man... what a sight!

It ain't got no anti-aliasing
It ain't got no wizards or anything
It's just a lean, mean, butt kickin' object machine!

So now I've got ZIP files expandin'
Straight from the 'net
I've got an Object Desktop, mamma
But you ain't seen NOTHIN' yet!

It's my lean... mean... butt kickin object machiiiiiiine!!!!!

(end song)

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You're beautiful.

Ok, on to my comments on this month's news.

Well, well, well. Netscape finally got a clue! But I believe I shall not gloat at this point. Instead, let me go off on an interesting tangent story.

Netscape accused Microsoft of anti-competitive business practices when dealing with Internet software, stating that MS was apparently attempting to flee from a direct feature-to-feature comparison by forcing vendors to not load Microsoft's competitor's products. I say this is definitely not the case. Feature to feature, yeah right... they don't want people to know Netscape exists!

I recently saw one of those very annoying "billboard" GIFs along the top of NetScape/2. It looked something like this: "New! Microsoft Internet Explorer... now with ActiveX!" You know, this is indeed a sad day for the Internet... I went downstairs and read the box for some cereal... "New! Post Raisin Bran... now with more raisins!" Hmmm... I believe if I were to get Windows 95 I might find bran flakes seeping out of my CD-ROM.

Ok, well, now I shall stop bashing Microsoft (but hey, it's such an easy target). Now we go on to a much easier target... IBM!

IBM announced that it will soon begin its OS/2 Warp 4.0 marketing campaign. I am pleased to announce that I have a leaked copy of their first ad. Here's a sneak peek!

Warp 4 is the perfect solution for information storage and management information specialists who are on the frequent travel and need the power and stability of a battle-tested operating system which utilizes the latest in unparalleled technologies. You can increase your dramatic productive exponential output factor by numerous points using VoiceType Dictation system. Even more exciting are the new Java technologies which are being used on the worldwide TCP/IP network by millions of not-quite connected consumers who desire to execute nonessential un-businesslike programs on the unconnected kitchen-top. But you are different. You run your business on a desk. Therefore we want you as a customer. Warp 4. Because you should struggle with understanding the meaning of our ads and our true intentions, not the usability of your operating system strategy paradigm.

Hey! Hey! Ok, that WAS a low blow. I admit it. But come on, people... do you REALLY think we'll see an ad that we would want to see? Heck, most IBM ads are perfect "MSTing" material.

Oh well. I guess we will just have to see how the REST of the marketing program does later on. Until next month, walk softly, and carry a large Object.

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