OS/2 e-Zine! - Chris' Rant

Chris' Rant - by Chris Wenham

Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions

Most of these are real questions I've been asked by real people. No, I'm not kidding either, even the one about the Mac. While most of the time I've tried to talk to these people calmly and explain things in a clear manner, there are occasions where I'm just so dumbfounded at the incredible stupidity of the question, it requires a superhuman act of strength not to collapse into a puddle of laughter.

I've secretly kept a stock of snappy replies to the dumb (DUMB! Boy are we talking about brain dead!) questions that get asked every now and then. Here's a few of the printable ones, use them anytime you're at a loss for words.

"Why don't you have Windows 95? It has THOUSANDS of applications!"

A - "I can't afford to buy THOUSANDS of applications."
B - "China has a billion people, should I move?"
C - "246 text editors, 593 variations of Solitaire, 887 digital clocks..."

"Geez, OS/2 has all these dumb acronyms -- WPS, HPFS, SOM -- how can you understand all that stuff?"

A - "Geez, Windows has all these dumb acronyms -- GPF, UAE, VFAT -- how can you understand all that stuff?"
B - "We couldn't come up with snappier ones like 'OLE', 'PIF' and 'DDE'."
C - "Well, that's because the folks in the engineering department designed it instead of the guys in marketing."

"Oh yeah? Well the Mac has OpenDoc, OpenGL and drag-n-drop, what are the OS/2 equivalents of THAT???"

A - "Um... OpenDoc.... OpenGL... and drag-n-drop."
B - "I know you're going to be terribly disappointed, but..."
C - "Say, how about I e-mail you this screen shot here..."

"Haven't you upgraded to Windows 95 yet?"

A - "UPgraded?"
B - "No, it gave my computer rabies and I had to hack off the monitor for the vet to examine."
C - "Yes, I found it in my box of cornflakes this morning taped to an AOL startup disk."

"Why are there no OS/2 applications when I go to my local computer store?"

A - "You're still going to computer stores? Did they disconnect your phone?"
B - "We're not THAT backwards compatible!"
C - "Do you see any T-Bone steaks at McDonalds?"

"Isn't it hard to get applications for OS/2?"

A - "Yes, sometimes I even have to take them out of the box."
B - "Yes, I had to rent a second truck the other day...."
C - "I don't know, some catalogs only have 60-70."

"OS/2? Isn't that dead?"

A - "Yes, it's died 8 times now, it's due to die again this summer."
B - "Only if you work for Ziff Davis."
C - "Only if you spell your name J-A-S-O-N P-E-R-L-O-W."
D - "No, but I hear Elvis made an appearance at a gas station around here..."

"Do you guys, like, have a graphical interface now?"

A - "Excuse me, I appear to be choking on something."
B - "No, we talk to it now... no really... stop laughing."
C - "No, we still have to wave sticks at it and grunt."

Chris Wenham is a Team OS/2er in Binghamton, NY with a catchy-titled company -- Wenham's Web Works. He has written comedy, sci-fi, HTML, Pascal, C++ and now writes software reviews.

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