NetHead's Nook- by Brandon Fesler

Ahhh, welcome once again, dear reader, to another edition of NetHead's Nook -- a place, if you will, of utter placement. What I mean is that my job is to put people in their place. After all, isn't that what satire and commentary is all about?

I'd like to take this chance to wish all of my beloved readers a wonderful holiday season, a very merry Christmas, and a splendid new year. I hope that everyone enjoyed Thanksgiving, and had plenty to eat. I know that I did; I'm now more stuffed than the turkey was.

So... last month I promised you a triple sized column, and here it is, once again, positively the LAST thing you need. So, go right now and get a cup of tea or coffee and prepare to come back and dive into a large sum of interesting commentary and satire. I'll wait...

Ok. Now that you're back, we shall begin.

First off, on a serious note, I'd like to send my kudos to the people at Netscape and IBM who have been working on Netscape Navigator for OS/2. The second beta really is a very stable and usable program, and surprisingly, can seamlessly use Windows 3.1 plug-ins for Navigator just like it can use OS/2 plug-ins. Once again, OS/2 gets all the choices. (But then, what else is new?) Netscape has been on the wish lists of many OS/2 users for a long time, and this high-quality port has been well worth the wait.

And now, on a less serious note...

Well, our friends in Redmond are back at it again, so the next few paragraphs will be focused on them. Hey, you can't blame me... they're such easy targets! For example, it appears that Microsoft is trying to get sole coverage of the Olympics in the year 2000, for MSNBC. Apparently things aren't going too well yet. When a poll was taken of their proposed slogan, "What do you want to throw today?", most of the surveyed people took it as a software question, and the athletes they polled thought Microsoft was about to start selling pain relief creams.

Now, if that wasn't enough, it seems that after spending four-hundred million dollars on Internet Explorer 3.0, MSNBC, and Expedia, Microsoft is declaring to the world that the Internet isn't a money-making business. Oh yeah, right, sure. Yep, I believe you.

And, last but not least with our friends from Monopolis -- AKA Redmond, WA -- is some interesting information about ActiveX (called CaptiveX by many). Lots of people are bringing up concerns about ActiveX's security flaws, namely, the fact that there is no security. Well, this figures. The only people who are more thrilled about ActiveX than Bill Gates are the people who write 90% of ActiveX controls... ACiD, PHReaK, RaNCiD, and DeTHZoNe.

In other news, Java is taking off big time (no surprise here). Recent figures are showing astounding development rates... some showing 50% or more of major software houses are currently porting or developing for Java. What does Microsoft have to say? Well, we weren't able to e-mail their spokesperson, as it seems he had just visited an ActiveX enabled web site and was having to reinstall Windows 95 and all his programs.

Well, OK, that's enough Monopolis news for today. It's time to join me once more for yet another original NetHead parody song!

"I am the Lemming" by NetHead
(to the tune of "I am the Walrus" by the Beatles)

I am he as you are he and you are me and we all crash together.
See how I crash like jiffy in a dash see how I try.
I'm crying.

Sifting through the manual -- waiting for the tech support line.
Corporation puppet, stupid bloody user
Man you been a naughty boy
You tried to print too fast.

I am the masses they are the masses
I am the lemming 
G, G, P F

Silly network
can't network man
pretty little network in a jam.

See how they try to barely get by
see how they crash

I'm crying.
I'm cryyyyyyyyyying.
I'm crying.
I'm crying.

'nother data loss now coming from an unknown source
I can't figure out the cause of all the symptoms
Boy I been a naughty girl
I think the modem's off

I am the masses
They are the masses
I am the lemming
G, G, P F

Sitting in an overtime mess
Waiting for tech help
If the help don't come I guess it's all been my own fault after all.

I am the masses
They are the masses
I am the lemming
G G P F 

Experts, schmexperts, joking paid off
Don't you think the whole Net laughs at you? Ha ha ha!
See how they sneer like after bitter beer see how they smirk.
I'm crying.
Technical support man climbing up the corporate ladder.
Elementary problems too much for their minimum wage folk
hanging up when the sweat is on.

I am the masses
They are the masses
I am the lemming

And now, for a NetHead Original Poem.

Oh just wait, till Windows 97.
Using it will be just like heaven.
Memory problems a thing of the past.
New interface changes will make it a blast.

Internet connections that will rocket and smoke
And a multitasking system that can never choke.
I don't doubt that this system will be alive
Even though they promised this for Win 95!

With a built-in browser, there's no need for choice
With MSN icons, why should AOL have a voice?
Office 97 will be my top player
Till MS releases API specs some 9 months later!

Yep, I'm sitting pretty waiting for this to come
While those idiots using OS/2 idly just get work done.
But I only dream about using 97 at this time
Cause it's not coming out till Mid-'99!


Take this to any convenience store for one free dollar.
If the cashier gives you that dollar, be sure to
tell me which store it was...  I have yet to make this
coupon work in my area.

Oh no! Here comes YET ANOTHER original NetHead song.

Throwing My Windows Out

(To the tune of 'Wearing the Inside Out' by Pink Floyd,
on The Division Bell compact disc.)

From morning to night I sweated with fright
My PC had not much use left
No more than alive, my system spoke jive
In a word...  GPF

(lead singer)                           (backup singers)                                                
And when it broke                       The system is now failing
Suddenly                                And the screen is flickering
What I did then                         Thanks to that Windows garbage
Changed history                         ...once again
My skin grew cold                       I'm running from the mainstream
My breath grew light                    The self-destructing animal
I threw Windows                         It's killing my productivity
Out that same night                     I'm moving up

I went to the store and searched round there for
Something that would end my senseless bind
Then came the light, and there in my sight
A Warp box, with its BonusPak behind

        My systems back to life
        My CPU is now alive
        I'm throwing my Windows out

Got Merlin now
It's stronger somehow
And it's getting better
It's hearing my speech
Nothing is out of my reach
And I can dictate stuff right from my mouth

        And all these words it can hear
        It knows my speech and gets it clear
        I speak my mind and then rejoice
        I get around with just my voice

(lead singer)                           (backup singers)

I'll use 4-0                            He's using the best OS
Till the day                            He has made the wise choice
When Bill Gates is                      And hurled into the future he'll
Out of my way                           ...curse Bill Gates
If that were now                        He's no longer a lemming
No more crash pain                      And the screen's not flickering
And we could use                        Waiting is not OS/2's way
Our choice again

(My apologies for the extra Microsoft bashing this month. Oh well, it's not like anyone was offended. Right?)

Until next time, please enjoy this holiday season!

NetHead is an OS/2 "zealot" and is proud of it. You can reach him via his web page or via e-mail which he checks daily.

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