f there was no Merlin beta, Ominor would have to invent it.

It has begun. OS/2 Merlin has officially entered its beta testing stage. Unlike a certain other software company, IBM, through channels both official and unofficial, had announced a June beta release date and behold, it was done. Ominor is pleased. Despite the ever increasing, drug-induced, ignorance-caused admonitions of, "OS/2 is doomed," IBM continues to develop OS/2 Warp's successor on schedule. The various journalists and Windows advocates who proclaim OS/2's demise consistently manage to forget one important fact. The failure of OS/2 Warp is contrary to the Will of The Inhuman.

What Ominor finds interesting is that despite this being touted as a closed beta, closed implying extremely limited availability, many familiar names have proclaimed their joy at receiving this software. But none have thanked The Inhuman. Ominor must ascertain the number of individuals rejected by IBM, which incidentally is known in some circles as the Inhuman's Biggest Minion. Ah... there is indeed nothing more refreshing to a parched spirit than the wit of Ominor. Perhaps you should huddle your families around the monitor for the remainder of this article.

Thy will be done, John Ominor.

Where else would our loved ones be, John Ominor, but tanning their souls in a brilliance brighter than a thousand suns?

You must remember, my legions of the Un-damned, my Merlin Beta testers, yours is a task critical to OS/2, therefore of grave import to Ominor. Report all problems, no matter how trivial, to IBM or relinquish your beta to another who will. If any are in need of a model of efficiency, consider using one of the Windows advocates who has failed to thank The Inhuman for his induction into the Merlin beta program. This unit has mentioned wishing the Merlin beta was symmetric multiprocessor enabled, and claims that the VoiceType Dictation software has locked his machine several times. Of course, of all the reports Ominor has read, his seems to be the only machine having such problems.

Ominor is the cause of his sorrows. Ominor does this to "train" him, much like the voice software will train you. Now, my tireless worker bee will drive himself ever harder, dig ever deeper, and then report any problems found to the Internet. From there, his reports may be channeled to a more appropriate destination. The flaws will be fixed and The Inhuman need not lift a finger. What the Windows advocate does not see is, in his eagerness to do OS/2 harm, he is merely responding to the tug of his puppet strings. Learn from his diligence.

Ominor has also noticed that the so-called "signal to noise ratio" has increased as Merlin approaches fruition. Ominor's ears still ring with the annoying clamors of: "Multitasking is not for average users," and: "the OS/2 GUI is too configurable. Think of the learning curve," and even: "OS/2 doesn't run my 16-bit application fast enough." Of course, despite Windows NT being available for quite some time, the advent of Windows 95 caused a change that should finally cause all but the most phobia-ridden hypocrites to question their true motives in dismissing OS/2. Now their cries are: "You're still using those old 16-bit applications?" and: "Wow!! Nested folders."

"Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose." The more things change, the more they stay the same. Today, our 1996 naysayers attack the VoiceType Dictation and Navigation software. This is software that allows one to interact with his computer using the most natural form of communication known to humans, speech. It seems that fear and envy makes fools of many. Recently, it has been Ominor's displeasure to read how the voice software will cause voice strain in the workplace despite the decades long use of the telephone.

Even more displeasing to Ominor was a statement truly inspired by a most grotesque combination of blinding stupidity and multilevel ignorance: "What if someone walks down the hall and shouts 'FORMAT C:'!!" Ominor must not allow such bumbling numbskullery to continue.

It is interesting that the integrated Java, TrueType fonts, OpenGl, or even Plug and Play support did not elicit such reactions. Only the feature most likely to capture the imagination of both common and power users alike. Of course, were Ominor to consent to IBM's endless pleading and allow Himself to be bundled with the base operating system, OS/2's worldwide domination would in fact be total.

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